Short stories and essays by Shaun Costello, as well as excerpts from manuscripts in progress.

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HEY, HILLARY HATERS – WHY EXACTLY DO YOU HATE HER?

 

HEY, HILLARY HATERS – WHY EXACTLY DO YOU HATE HER?

 by Shaun Costello

You hate her, don't you. But do you know why?

You hate her, don’t you. But do you know why?

I’ll bet ninety percent of you don’t really know. I voted for Bernie in my state’s primary, but Hillary will be the candidate, and I will whole-heartedly support her. You call her a liar. Just what exactly has she lied about? Come on now, what? I’m not asking you to quote some neocon Fox News smear meister. I’m asking what you actually know to be true. Not what you heard, what you know. And please, back up your opinions with facts. You say you don’t trust her. Why is that? What specifically has she done to merit lack of trust? Be specific now, what? Her husband is a philanderer. She chose to stand by him, regardless. Is that her great sin? Since Bill Clinton’s first term as President, the right wing smear machine has actively attempted to tarnish the credibility of the Clinton family. Remember Whitewater? The investigation went on year after year, at the taxpayer’s expense. And the result? Nothing. Remember Ken Starr, the Special Prosecutor, who refused to relent, and year after year, he pushed onward in his politically motivated campaign to smear the Clintons. Seven years, and seventy million taxpayer dollars later, what did Starr find? Nothing. The right wing’s negative propaganda campaign has never stopped.

Is Gowdy looking for a Cabinet post, should Trump win the election?

Is Gowdy looking for a Cabinet post, should Trump win the election?

It goes on even today with Trey Gowdy’s preposterous, expensive and politically motivated Benghazi committee. Like Starr, Trey Gowdy was relentless in his inquisition to blame the Secretary of State for a tragic event that took place six thousand miles from her office. Four brave Americans tragically died, and the Republicans attempted to make political hay out of it. How shameful. Is Gowdy looking for a cabinet post should Trump get elected? Two years and $7,100,000 of tax payer dollars. And what did their recently released report find? Nothing.

 

http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/oct/02/hillary-clinton/clinton-campaign-benghazi-probe-congress-longest-i/

 

 

And today, Donald Trump calls Hillary a liar, and a cheat, and even a criminal. And no one asks Mr. Trump to justify these accusations with facts. What has she lied about? How has she cheated? What crime exactly has she committed? But the repetition of these accusations, that began in 1992, and continues today – twenty four years later, has taken its toll on how America see’s Hillary Clinton.

Goebbels knew a thing or two about propaganda.

Goebbels knew a thing or two about propaganda.

Those accusations, that began in the fertile and evil mind of Carl Rove, a man like Goebbels, who believes that if you repeated a lie often enough, you could convince anybody of anything. And after twenty four years of accusation after accusation, even intelligent people begin to wonder – Those pesky Clintons, they’re always up to something. Propaganda is an effective political tool. Goebbels knew it. And so did Rove.

.....and so did Carl Rove.

…..and so did Carl Rove.

 

Bill Clinton lied to the American people about a blow job in a hallway. But those same intelligent people who seem to have been convinced by the tonnage of politically motivated negative propaganda, have forgotten that he lied to Hillary too. She was crushed by it, and it almost ended their marriage. But she chose to stand by him.

I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.

I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.

I find Bill Clinton to be charming and likeable, but I absolutely do not trust him. His recent clandestine meeting with Loretta Lynch aboard her plane was the arrogant act of a man who feels so empowered that he thinks he can get away with anything. His action cast aspersions on Lynch, who I’m quite sure was totally surprised to see him, and Hillary who must bear the brunt, once more, for the actions of her husband. And unlike her slick hubby, Hillary’s just not that likeable. But does lack of likeability disqualify her from being President of the United States?  

 

So, step up to the plate, folks. Gimme whatcha got. Why are you a Hillary hater? Be specific, and back it up with facts, not innuendo.

"I call her what she is - Criminal Hillary. Cause that's what she is, folks. No doubt about it. She's a liar, and a criminal. And did I tell you, she cheats. That's right, folks."

“I call her what she is – Criminal Hillary. Cause that’s what she is, folks. No doubt about it. She’s a liar, and a criminal. And did I tell you, she cheats. That’s right, folks.”

 

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE – SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE – SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

All too often, popular phraseology diminishes the message. A soldier should not automatically be thanked for his service. Putting on a uniform does not elevate the wearer to heroic stature. How that soldier performed while wearing that uniform however, is quite another matter. I served in the Army during the Vietnam era, and can tell you first hand that the military is made up of just as many respectable citizens, racists, slackers, assholes and potential felons as any other slice of the American population. Respect for the men and women in uniform comes easily to Americans in this era, partially perhaps as compensation for the horrific treatment the American civilian population gave to soldiers returning from Vietnam‘s battlefields. Respect for the uniform is one thing, uniform-worship is quite another. I’ve seen people using the catch phrase “Thank you for your service” to honor TSA personnel at airports, sanitation workers, bus drivers, and the crew of the Staten Island Ferry. And why? Because they’re wearing uniforms. In a perfect world, each individual would be judged on merit, not on wardrobe. But this world’s far from perfect, and we all watch too much television. How many times have we heard Detective Lenny Briscoe on ‘Law and Order’ say “Sorry for your loss” to some murder victim’s relative. Television’s catch phrases have become the lingua franca of civilization. We no longer need to react individually to moments of joy or crisis – we just use the scripted dialogue of the cop show. Any time I have lost friends or loved ones, and there have been many, mindless, cop show culture dialogue would have been unwelcome, to say the least. If someone you care about has suffered a loss, for God’s sake, take some time to share in your friend’s situation, and express yourself as a caring individual, not a cop show culture parrot. Your expressed concern will be so welcomed by your grieving friend.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

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CONSPIRACY THEORISTS A LA MODE

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS A LA MODE

by Shaun Costello

They're real, folks.

They’re real, folks.

There is a type of person for whom reality is just not enough. They hunger for truth, and suspect the hand of Satan behind the everyday events that most common folk find acceptable. They have a keen interest in science fiction, and can’t understand why others don’t share their awareness of the dark powers that lurk just beneath the surface of daily life. They know, for instance, that the CIA and the Defense Department control a secret base just outside Roswell New Mexico, where for five generations, they have bred, in captivity, the descendants of the original Martian colonists, who were captured in 1947. They know that Castro killed President Kennedy. And that, in 1993, President Bill Clinton caught his aide Vince Foster fucking Hillary on the White House kitchen table, shot him in the head, stuffed him in the trunk of a car, and staged a phony baloney suicide scene in a nearby park.

Involved in a plot against America.

Involved in a plot against America.

And they know beyond doubt, that Hillary Clinton, acting in cahoots with splinter groups of the Muslim Brotherhood, plotted to have Ambassador Chris Stevens, along with three other State Department personnel, murdered at the American Consulate in Benghazi. The reason? Suspicion of cheating at Bridge, while a guest at the White House the previous summer. Secretary Clinton just hates a cheater. And the proof? Just look at the date, friends. September 11, 2012. Say’s a lot, doesn’t it?. Clinton thought that American people would be too grief stricken over the anniversary of the Twin Towers attack to pay much attention to the swarthy doings at some remote Libyan outpost. A clever trick Madam Secretary, but you can’t pull the wool over the eyes of these folks. They’re on to your little revenge game. These people know a thing or two about what’s really going on in this country. They want America to be great again.

You're Fired.

You’re Fired.

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THE BOOK IS FINISHED

Le Journal d’un Pornographe Unrepentant
Par Shaun Costello

It took ten years to complete this

It took ten years to complete this

The finished manuscript. Just over ninety thousand words. It took me ten years to complete this book. I gave up many times along the way, stunned by the universal rejection I had received. Then, a year or so later, I would start again, find another agent willing to take it on, and get hammered with rejection once again. I don’t take rejection well. But now, thanks to a French publisher, it’s finally finished. A hard cover edition will be available, in French, in October 2016, at book stores in France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland and Canada. Thank you to all of my friends who kept after me to finish it: Gil Markle, Thomas Eikrem, Andy Waller, Jeff Eagle, Robin Bougie, Mike Forhan, Mary Jo Rayfield, Elizabeth Main, and many others. If I have forgotten you, go out and buy a gun and shoot me. Thanks to Congress, you won’t need a background check.

This was the original cover idea. The French publisher, 2B2M, wants to go in an another direction

This was the original cover idea. The French publisher, 2B2M, wants to go in an another direction

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MY SIX DINNER GUESTS

MY SIX DINNER GUESTS

 

by Shaun Costello

 tABLE PIC THREE

I’m sure that everyone has pondered, from time to time, who exactly they would invite, if they had their druthers, and could choose from the vast list of possibilities, living or dead, that have occupied this planet at one time or another, to be guests for an entertaining and eventful dinner; and I’m certainly no exception. But what would be the criteria? First, I think, they should offer the possibility of entertaining company – good story tellers and raconteurs. Second, their contribution to the world, as I know it, should be incontrovertible. Third, the time frame of their lifetimes should be recent enough to give me a comfort level familiarity with their accomplishments, physicality, and behavioral traits. No need to drag up history’s behemoths – after all, this is a party. So, we can automatically eliminate dinosaurs of yesteryear like Jesus, Leonardo da Vinci, Joan of Arc, Aristotle, Alexander, Julius Caesar, Torquemada (although I’m tempted), Charlemagne, Themistocles, Mozart and Napoleon. Besides, none of the aforementioned spoke English, which will be the lingua franca of this little get together. So, let’s stick to fun folks from the Twentieth Century, who are liable to make me laugh, engage me in insatiably interesting conversation, and sometimes simply make me stare in awe. None of my selections are still among the living, not that having died is a criterion, but merely a coincidence. Like top ten lists, this assortment of dinner companions reflects the subjectivity shuffle – your guests, I’m sure, would differ from mine. But, for whatever it’s worth, here’s who I would invite.

 

 In alphabetical order:

 

 

Julia Child   1912 – 2004

"The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking, you've got to have a what-the-hell attitude."

“The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking, you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude.”

 

Chef, Teacher, OSS Spy (Yes, she did work for Wild Bill Donovan in Ceylon during WWII), and an unusual and endearing Television Personality – The woman who taught America how to cook. Her seminal volume Mastering the Art of French Cooking forever changed America’s palate. Her performance on her cooking show was courageous, and hilarious. Julia, in the midst of explaining some culinary technique, dropping a goose to the floor, and simply picking it up and continuing on as though nothing had happened. The woman was unflappable. Nora Ephron’s immensely popular 2009 film Julie & Julia introduced a whole new generation to Child, delivered by Meryl Streep’s uncanny performance. Julia was married to State Department “Spook” Paul Child, and the couple suffered greatly at the hands of Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy and his House Un-American Activities Committee. After all, the Childs hosted dinner parties where many languages were spoken, and by people who might, at one time or another, have listened to classical music – grounds for suspicion in post WWII America. But most importantly, Julia was a gal who liked a good party.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RThnq3-d6PY

 

 

Clarence Darrow   1857 – 1938

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President of the United States. Now I'm beginning to believe it."

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President of the United States. Now I’m beginning to believe it.”

Mercurial trial attorney, charter member of the ACLU,  and defender of the undefendable – Sometimes referred to as Attorney for the Damned. Darrow argued for the defense in two of the most notorious trials of the Twentieth Century. First, the Scopes Monkey Trial.  John Thomas Scopes, a young high school science teacher, was accused of teaching evolution in violation of a Tennessee state law. In  Tennessee, in 1925, a state law had been passed making it a misdemeanor to teach, in public school, any theory that contradicted divine law, as written in The Bible. What began as a small incident, mushroomed into a national circus, as both sides brought in their giants. Darrow in the defense of young Scopes, espousing science and reason; and William Jennings Bryan, Bible Thumper supreme and two-time presidential candidate, to argue for Leviticus and Deuteronomy.

It was the first trial to be broadcast on radio. Scopes was of course found guilty, and fined $100, which Darrow refused to pay. But Bryan and his Bible Thumpers were made to appear foolish in front of a national radio audience. The court’s ruling was finally overturned in 1968. The second was the Chicago Thrill Killer Trial. On May 21, 1924, two wealthy Chicago teenagers, Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb,  decided to commit the perfect crime. They would murder without motive, save for the thrill of it. They lured a 14 year old Bobby Franks to a remote area and killed him, hid the corpse, and thought they had covered their tracks. But the body was found, and evidence revealed Leopold and Loeb’s involvement. There was no doubt of the thrill killer’s guilt, so Darrow surprised the nation by entering a plea of guilty. The Chicago District Attorney wanted the boys to hang, and Darrow was a staunch advocate against the death penalty, so the trial became, not just about a senseless and brutal murder, Darrow had put the death penalty itself on trial. On August 22, Darrow gave his final summation. It lasted two hours, and is often referred to as Darrow’s greatest piece of legal oratory. The judge ruled for life in prison, and Darrow had won one of his greatest legal victories.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q1CqHsSY40

 

Charles Eames   1907 – 1978

"Anything I can do, Ray can do better."

“Anything I can do, Ray can do better.”

The husband and wife team of Charles and Ray Eames were industrial and graphic designers, artists, film makers, and joyful creative mavericks. Eames brought fun to furniture. His design genius reshaped the way we looked at structures and the furnishings that filled them. Greatly influenced by architect Eliel Saarinen, and his son Eero, who would become Eames’ partner in many projects. But more than anything, Eames was not afraid of fun, which influenced everything he created. Somehow, I think he would get along well with Julia and Clarence Darrow, and I can’t wait for the banter between courses.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oorg2q0D8hs

 

Richard Feynman   1918 – 1988

"Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it."

“Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.”

Theoretical Physicist, raconteur, and bongo drum aficionado, Feynman will probably be best remembered for his testimony before a Congressional committee investigating the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster. He had figured out what had happened, and his name would be forever linked with O-rings, the rubber sealers that failed because they were temperature sensitive, a fact that NASA had overlooked. But beyond being a genius, I’m thinking that this dinner needs a bongo drum player.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU_GBcdxT84

 

Dorothy Parker   1893 – 1967

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”

Writer, critic, poet, satirist, acerbic wit, and foundational mainstay of the Algonquin Round Table. I’ve had a crush on Parker for most of my adult life. She was so extraordinarily clever, and so maddeningly sad. What better dinner guest could there be, particularly with a few drinks in her. How delicious. Too many quotes to list, but here are two you might recognize:

 

 “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

 

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone. Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

 

 

http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/dorothy_parker.htm

 

 

 

Billy Wilder   1906 – 2002

"Trust your own instincts. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's."

“Trust your own instincts. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”

Born Samuel Wilder in Sucha Beskidzka, Poland, Wilder would live to become one of Hollywood’s greatest directors, and his undeniable talent as a raconteur would make him a mainstay on Tinseltown’s dinner circuit. If Wilder couldn’t make it, Arthur Hornblow Jr, Hollywood’s storied dinner host, would simply cancel the event, or reschedule for when Billy had some free time. If you were planning an event like mine, wouldn’t you want Hollywood’s greatest story teller?

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVSTBBxw4_k

 tABLE PIC TWO

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THE DONALD

THE DONALD

by Shaun Costello

MILWAUKEE, WI - MARCH 29: Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump takes part in a town hall event moderated by Anderson Cooper March 29, 2016 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Candidates are campaigning in Wisconsin ahead of the state's April 5th primary. (Photo by Darren Hauck/Getty Images)

Love him, or hate him, The Donald has entertainment value. He’s a one man media circus. He’s an accident happening right before your eyes. People are fascinated by the sheer audacity of the man. We’ve never had a Presidential candidate from a major political party who talked penis size. The media loves him because the more outrageous his remarks, the higher the ratings on Fox News and CNN, and the more they can charge for advertising. He’s a kind of Millennial version of Huey Long, that man of the people from yesteryear. The GOP wants to somehow get rid of him, but how exactly are they going to do that? The Republican Party is in free-fall chaos. No sensible, intelligent, reasonable Republican wants to show his/her face during this memorable and tragic political campaign. The quality of the Presidential candidates offered by the Republican Party this year is disgraceful. How could the GOP have lowered the bar to this level? The answer is easy – Charles and David Koch. Recognizing a good thing when they saw it, the Koch brothers hijacked the Tea Party movement years ago, funding right wing fanatical congressional candidates through Koch-controlled organizations like the Heritage Foundation, and outspending the opposition enough to get them elected to Congress. So now the right side of the aisle is populated with just enough Evangelical, knuckle-dragging wackos to render Congress dysfunctional. And why? Because the Koch brothers are in the fossil fuel business, and the recognition of climate change means increased regulation of the fossil fuel industries, eating into the sacred profits of the one percent. Anyone who doesn’t think America is in serious trouble has been too busy cheering for the likes of The Donald to notice that the righteous administration of our Constitution has become corrupted by greedy profit takers, and the sycophantic, obstructionist politicians who keep the money flowing. America itself has become dysfunctional.

Candidates

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LULA AND CHRISTY GO TO TAMPA – An Uber Adventure

 

LULA AND CHRISTY GO TO TAMPA

An Uber Adventure

By Shaun Costello

Tampa card two

Friday afternoon began without any surprises. I headed for my car carrying a bag of garbage to take to the community compactor, and a grocery list for the day’s shopping. When I got behind the wheel, I tapped the Uber App on my smart phone, which would connect me, through the GPS system, with Uber’s network. I had been driving an Uber cab for about two weeks, and was anxious to get some trips because last week I had gotten no fares at all. After dropping off the trash, I got back in my car to the sound of Uber’s trip signal. On the phone’s screen a circle was flashing on the GPS map, and my little Samsung Galaxy was beeping its heart out. A trip – just what I needed. Normally, the screen on the Uber App would provide the address and name of the passenger, the destination and the distance. But my screen was too dark to see any detail in daylight. Uber’s software was not yet fully engaged. So I let the voice on Uber’s navigation system guide me to my passenger. The Uber software is pretty glitchy, and seldom works as advertised, and Uber’s tech support is defensive and relatively unhelpful. As an Uber driver you’re pretty much on your own to wrangle your way through Uber’s software jungle, and somehow make it work.

The Navigator's voice guided me over the Peace River Bridge to downtown Punta Gorda

The Navigator’s voice guided me over the Peace River Bridge to downtown Punta Gorda

The Uber software is glitchy.

The Uber software is glitchy.

The navigator’s voice guided me over the Peace River Bridge to downtown Punta Gorda, and a few quick turns took me to the front of one of the town’s waterfront hotels. I parked under the hotel’s portico and waited. No one approached the car, and the navigator’s voice kept squawking about another left turn and one hundred feet to the destination. I slowly made my way around the parking lot, and, sure enough, there was a second entrance. As I came to a stop, my phone’s screen lit up and told me I had arrived, but there was still no passenger’s name or destination provided. Not that I cared. I had a fare, and like Travis Bickle, I was prepared to take them wherever they wanted to go.

Could all of this luggage possibly fit in the trunk of my Honda Civic?

Could all of this luggage possibly fit in the trunk of my Honda Civic?

There was a substantial pile of luggage outside the door to the hotel. Four large hard bags, with handles and wheels, and several smaller bags, including several plastic shopping bags which were overflowing with contents. Standing behind the pile of luggage were two thin women, I would guess to be in their mid-forties, puffing on cigarettes and intensly babbling at each other. I got out of my car and asked them if they had ordered an Uber cab. The luggage might mean an airport run, which meant fifty bucks in my pocket, so I’m sure I had a smile on my face. At first they were a bit baffled by the car and the luggage, and how to fit all this into my little Honda Civic, and they shuffled their feet a bit, and puffed on their cigarettes.  As we began to stuff my little trunk with their baggage, I asked if they were headed to the Airport. ‘No honey”, said the taller of the two in a seriously southern accent , “We’re goin’ to Tampa. A long trip today, sugar.” Tampa – that was over a hundred miles north, good news for this eager Uber driver.

Tampa PG new

After packing my little Honda’s trunk to its absolute limit, and the girls agreeing without complaint, to not smoke in my car, they crammed themselves and their overflowing shopping bags into the back seat, as I wiped the Uber App’s ‘Begin the Trip” bar to officially start the journey. They would introduce themselves as Lula and Christy. Two southern babes who had found themselves abandoned in Punta Gorda, Florida.

As we made our way toward I75 for the trip north to Tampa, they began to tell me their story, which, of course, was obvious from the get go. Lula, the taller and older of the two was from Memphis, and young Christy was from Biloxi Mississippi. Lula said she used Uber cabs all the time because she traveled so much, but she was vague about the nature of her travels. Christy seemed to be along for the ride. It seems they met this guy, which is, of course, how all stories like this one begin. They met him in an airport, although it was difficult from their babbling to understand where exactly, in the terminal cocktail lounge, waiting for a flight to Orlando. The guy bought them drinks, and after a while, began to persuade them to skip Orlando and come with him to Punta Gorda. “Orlando’s for losers”, he told them. “Come with me. My car’s in the lot at the Fort Myers airport. We’ll fly there and I’ll drive you to Punta Gorda.” He told them he would put them up in the best hotel in town and rent them a car. They would have the time of their lives. He would pay for everything. After several drinks, their Punta Gorda adventure began sounding more and more appealing. So, they changed their  flight, and joined their new and generous friend on his journey to Fort Myers.

Their plans began to unravel when they checked in to the hotel in Punta Goda

Their plans began to unravel when they checked in to the hotel in Punta Goda

The whole business began to unravel as they checked in to the hotel in Punta Gorda. It seems that their new friend’s credit cards were maxed out. He told them that it was no problem. He had other cards at home and he would bring them over in the morning to pay for their room and take care of that rental car he had promised them. Although they were not specific about what took place in their hotel room that night, I think it’s safe to assume that a menage et troix of some kind was the order of the evening. They awoke with hangovers, their new friend long gone, having made his escape during the night. When they attempted to call him they found that his cell phone was out of order. He had never mentioned his last name. They had no way to find him. So, here they were – a couple of southern babes with serious hangovers, out two hundred bucks for the hotel room, in a strange little town about a million miles from nowhere. Lula had been to Tampa several times and liked it. She told her hungover companion that they would go to a waterfront hotel she knew in Tampa, and just try to forget the whole unpleasant episode. How would they get there? Lula had an Uber account.

Enter yours truly, dear reader, now on I75, headed north with a packed car, and two hungover and frisky women, who had decided to forget their misfortune and seize the day. We had barely put ten miles on the odometer before two fleshy objects revealed themselves on the arm rest between the two front seats – Two bare feet, containing ten toes, and two toe rings. Lula, who was sitting behind me, had placed her right foot on the arm rest, along with Christy’s left. I have to admit that they were attractive feet, and to thinking that this was the most promising Friday I had spent in a while. After a moment or two of silent anticipation, Lula pleasantly demanded to know which of the two feet were sexier. Was I being tested? Seduced? What exactly was happening here?

I have to admit that the feet were attractive

I have to admit that the feet were attractive

“C’mon now, honey. Who’s got better feet? You know you’re gonna like one more than the other. I think mine are pretty sexy, but if you like Christy’s, I’m OK with that. C’mon honey, you pick ‘em.”

The ten toes seemed engaged in some kind of choreographed wiggle routine, perhaps to help me decide. Was there a candid camera hidden somewhere in their luggage? All I knew is that I was up a hundred bucks for the long distance Uber trip, and presently engaged in an outrageous flirtation with two whacky women who had been abandoned in my neighborhood. I tried, of course to be “Solomon-like” in making any comparison. I told the girls that each foot had a different shape and that both were attractive in different ways. I said that I found both feet to be appealing, and that, if I came upon either of them in the course of an evening’s activities, that I would certainly create an inventive and satisfying use for them. Silence now. No response from the girls until I heard Christy telling Lula no to Patty Cakes.

“I don’t want to play Patty cakes.”

“C’mon now Christy honey, you know you want to.”

“No I don’t. No Patty cakes”

“Yesterday you played. You said you loved playing Patty Cakes.”

“No, I don’t want to. You can’t make me.”

“Suit yourself, Chisty honey, but you know you want to.”

During the Patty Cake exchange, the two bare feet disappeared from comparative consideration, my carefully crafted comparison evidently ignored. But the inquisition continued. Inquiring minds wanted to know.

It was Christy this time. “What do you think makes me horny, honey?”

The acoustics in my Honda favored road noise over back seat dialogue, so Chisty’s question seemed muffled, and my response was idiotic. “Christy, you want to know what I think makes you a horny honey?”

“No, no, no….You’re the honey – I’m just horny. I asked you, ‘What do you think makes me horny, honey?’ So, what do you think? C’mon now, guess.”

Were they just messing with me? I wasn’t sure. This was now far outside my very limited Uber experience..

Tampa traffic new

“Christy, I don’t know you well enough to know what makes you horny. I know that you have an attractive left foot, and that some guy played some havoc with you both. That’s about all I know.”

“Drinkin’”

“I’m sorry?”

“Drinkin’. Drinkin’ makes me horny as hell. The more I drink the hornier I get. You like drinkin’?”

“Sure, I mean, I guess.”

“I bet I could drink you under the table.”

“I’m sure you could, Christy. At my age, I don’t really do much high-volume drinking anymore. I’m too old for that kind of thing.”

“Nonsense. You’re not old at all. Younger men are stupid. I can’t tolerate ‘em. I like older men. Wisdom comes with age, don’t you know that? Hey, what sign are you, anyway?”

This conversation peaked with the foot comparisons, and had gone steadily downhill since the introduction of the Patty Cakes. “Capricorn, Christy. I’m a Capricorn.”

“Capricorn. That’s the goat. I like that. You know, I’ve learned a lot from hangin’ with older men. Older guys know stuff. Older guys have taught me everything I know about sex. And I know a shit-load about sex, I’ll tell you. A mega shit-load. “

Lula chimed in. “She sure does. Knows everything there is to know. Christy’s a fuckin’ encyclopedia, pardon my French, in the sex department.”

Was there a hidden microphone recording all of this? Adjectivally speaking, ‘hoodwinked’ would best describe how I felt at this moment. This couldn’t really be happening, could it? We were approaching the Sunshine Bridge on I75 and there was a scenic rest stop on the water, so I exited the highway, and pulled into the parking lot. I told the girls I was giving them a bathroom and cigarette break, and they squealed with delight. They needed the trunk opened so that they could rearrange some of their luggage, and for the next half hour, all of their bags were taken out of the trunk, and emptied on the pavement. They seemed to be taking the contents of each bag and placing it in the bag next to it, which had been emptied for this purpose, the contents now spread all over the ground. They sat in the midst of this mini-mountain of their possessions, babbling incomprehensibly, and passing cell phones back and forth. Christy had two, and Lula three, and they began to send text messages to unsuspecting recipients. The babbling had stopped now, and their thumbs were ablaze, texting away – using all five cell phones at once – passing them back and forth in an orgy of tele-communication.

There was a rest stop just under the Sunshine Bridge

There was a rest stop just under the Sunshine Bridge

 

If I were a normal taxi driver, I think I would be concerned at this point. Had these two escaped from psychiatric incarceration somewhere? Did they really have the money to pay for this very expensive ride? But with Uber, the minute a customer requests a ride, a hold is put on their credit card for the approximate amount of the fare. There was no way that I was not getting paid for this adventure. But this was time consuming, and I had to crack the whip. I told them that if a state trooper came by, we might get a ticket for littering, and to please get all of this stuff back in the trunk. They reacted surprisingly well, like naughty children who knew they had overreached, and began to fill the trunk with their newly rearranged possessions. We had now been in this parking lot for an hour, and neither Lula nor Christy had peed or had a cigarette. It was time to do both and get on with the trip.

I took advantage of the girls’ bathroom visit by activating the navigation system on the Uber App, which immediately lit up and started squawking directions. I now knew that I was getting paid for this bizarre endeavor, and I had directions to our destination, which made me feel better, since the girls were vague about knowing how to get where they were going. As we began to ascend the towering Sunshine Bridge, Christy spoke up mournfully, “When my Mama drew her last breath, a tear trickled down her cheek, like to break my heart right then and there.” Well, this was certainly a conversational game changer. Not to be outdone in the ‘last breath’ department, Lula answered, “When my Gramma drew her last breath, it was so soft you could barely hear it, I loved my Gramma.” Without skipping a beat, Christy responded, “When my Papa drew his last breath, it sounded like the last note in a sad song.”

Lula was now fully engaged. “When my Uncle Abner drew his last breath, it was as crackly as could be. Sounded like a chain saw.”

“Last breaths can’t be crackly, Lula. The good Lord made last breaths to be soft and soothing, like angel’s feathers.”

“You never met Uncle Abner. Every time that man opened his mouth it sounded like a chain saw. Like to drive Aunt Esther to drink. Not that she needed much help.”

The ‘last breath’ competition continued for a few more minutes, before the girls remembered that I was in the car. At least Christy remembered.

“Hey there, you don’t have to go back tonight , do you? I got plans for you, mister. I’m gonna drink you under the table. Hey, you’re not married or nothin’, are you?”

I told Christy I was divorced and she squealed, “Eeeeeeehaaaa…..I bet you’re not as innocent as you look. I bet you’re a guy who’s constantly on the prowl, lookin’ to meet up with someone just like me. Aint that true? C’mon, fess up, you’re a horny bugger, aint you? I’m gonna drink your cute little ass right under that table. Then we’ll see what’s what. I don’t take no for an answer, do I, Lula?”

"Hey, what's your sign. anyway?"

“Hey, what’s your sign. anyway?”

“Nope, she sure don’t. You’ll be stayin’ with us tonight. We’ll get a room, and when the fun starts, the sky’s the limit.”

For purpose of disclosure, I have to admit to being both amused and tempted when those two feet suddenly and playfully appeared on the arm rest. But now, that seemed so long ago. I did not feel that these girls put me in danger in any way, but we were now three and a half hours into this trip, with at least another half hour to our destination, and there was the return trip to consider. Spending the night in a hotel room with Lula and Christy was not on my bucket list. I did not say no, however. I thought it prudent to play them along, and wait for the right moment to make a graceful exit.

We were now in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic, and the navigation system’s voice was giving me different directions than Lula, who had told me she had stayed in this hotel several times. She said that she might have given Uber the wrong street address. Uber’s navigation system was extremely precise, and if she address had been off by a single digit in the street number, the directions to the address would differ substantially. Lula had said turn right when Uber said left, and since she had been there before I followed Lula. We made a few more turns until we would up in a parking lot a few hundred yards from the hotel. Lula said to stop here. That someone was meeting them here, and they would decide on where to stay when he arrived. This was a new wrinkle in their story. Someone was meeting them. The Uber App was telling me that we were 300 feet from our destination, and until that destination was reached, the trip could not be concluded, which meant of course, that I would not be paid. I had to get these girls out of my car, and their ton of luggage out of my trunk as gently as possible, and drive that 300 feet.

Lula and Christy were now sitting on the pavement next to my car, all five cell phones actively engaged in another texting orgy. I mentioned to Lula that she should call her friend rather than texting him, since he was obviously on his way, and driving a car. Christy responded that Lula didn’t talk on phones, she only texted. My Samsung kept squawking about the 300 feet to the destination, and I tried, as gently as possible, to explain that if my car did not travel the 300 feet, that Uber would not pay me. They responded well to this information, and began removing bags from the trunk, while continuing to text to God only knows whom. But as the bags were placed on the pavement, their contents began being switched, just as they had at the rest stop. Distracted by their texting, the girls were removing half the contents of the bags, leaving the stuff strewn all over the pavement. This is where Lula had said that her friend was meeting them – right here in this parking lot.

Tampa FL

Just as they had done at the rest stop, Lula and Christy were now sitting in the midst of a mountain of clothes, various and sundry bathroom items, and odd electronic devices, texting away on all five cell phones. I announced that I was going to drive that final three hundred feet to complete the trip, so that I would be paid. They grunted a vague acknowledgement, but pretty much ignored me. So that’s where I left them, in the middle of a now-trashed parking lot, sitting on the pavement in the midst of all their worldly possessions, texting their hearts out, seemingly unaware of my leaving, or of anything else for that matter. As I got back in my car, they didn’t look up. I watched them in the rear view mirror as I drove away, hoping that they might wave, but they were in another world entirely, and quite oblivious to mine.

By the time I reached home, eight hours had elapsed since my smart phone lit up with the Tampa trip. As a purely business venture I consider these eight hours to be badly invested. The hundred and twenty miles to Tampa was a paid trip, but the hundred and twenty mile return was not. Two hundred and forty miles on my car, a lot of gas, and eight hours of my life that I’ll never get back. But everything you do in life is not measured in dollars and cents. I will be paid $99. for the trip, which is hardly enough. But the eight hours I spent in the deliciously insane company of Lula and Christy will linger in my psyche for quite some time. Was anything they told me true? I really can’t say. Were they simply toying with me? I just don’t know. But those wiggling toes, the “Last Breath” stories, “I’m gonna drink you under the table”, “C’mon, fess up – you’re a horny bugger, aint you? “The  sky’s the limit.” The texting orgies. These are moments I won’t soon forget.

And where do you suppose they are now? Did their friend ever show up? Are they still sitting in that parking lot? Did some wayward cop cite them for littering, or even vagrancy? Are they attempting to explain themselves to the psychiatrist assigned to their case? Who knows. I like to think that girls like Lula and Christy just keep on keepin’ on. That, even in the midst of their apparent confusion and seemingly irrational behavior, they somehow triumph. That there will always be some guy who has a scheme that isn’t true, who will persuade them to change their plans, and follow him to paradise. That they will wind up abandoned once again in a strange hotel that they were forced to pay for. And that they will need to leave that strange hotel, and go somewhere familiar to recuperate and regroup. And how will they get there? Well, after all, Lula has an Uber Account.

Well, after all, Lula had an Uber account.

Well, after all, Lula has an Uber account.

*

© 2016 Shaun Costello

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