TRUMP IMMEDIATELY NAMES WHITE HOUSE SENIOR STAFF
AND FILLS CABINET POSTS
In a stunning announcement, just hours after winning the most shocking upset in American political history, Stephen Bannon, newly appointed White House Chief of Staff, shocked the world’s press by announcing the names of all of Donald Trump’s incoming senior White House staff, as well as the names of all Cabinet level appointments. Evidently the Trump transitional team has been planning the shape of a Trump administration for a while now. The immediacy of Bannon’s announcement caught the press corps off guard, as did Trump’s stunning victory. The list of appointments is as follows:
White House Chief of Staff – Stephen Bannon
Bannon, former head of the Breitbart News Network, and conspiracy theorist aficionado, took over the Trump campaign in mid-stream, and guided it to victory. Trump and Bannon seem copacetic, and Trump has given Bannon a free hand in shaping his message.
White House Communications director – Ann Coulter
In a job made famous by Toby Ziegler in The West Wing, Ann’s famous way with words should bode well for getting out the Trump Message – Her first assignment will be setting up the Trump Network’s “All Trump Radio Station”, which will give a hungry electorate a heavy dose, 24 hours a day, of Trumporama. Ann is excited and already planning her station play list.
White House Press Secretary – Sean Hannity
Hannity’s long tenure at Fox News had prepared him well for the task of interacting between White House senior staff and the Washington Press Corps. Hannity suggested that his reputation as a hate monger and smear merchant is greatly exaggerated, and that he’s really a pussy cat at heart, and can’t wait to interact, in a caring and sensitive way, with his colleagues in the Press.
White House Special Counsel – Marcia Clark
Bannon claims that Trump has long been a fan of Marcia Clark’s brilliant handling of the prosecution of OJ Simpson. Clark was not immediately available for comment, but informed sources claim that she is greatly concerned with presenting herself with the correct hair style appropriate for a White House Counsel.
Secretary of State – Newt Gingrich
This is an appointment that should surprise no one. Gringrich has been a long time Trump advisor and said he looked forward to the challenge this important job would bring. When asked if his startling resemblance to Sponge Bob Square Pants might limit his effectiveness as a Secretary of State, Gingrich refused comment.
Secretary of the Treasury – Sheldon Adelson
Long time casino compadre, and contributor to Republican campaigns, Adelson claims that running Treasury should be no different than running his casinos. He said, “We’ll just let the arithmetic work its magic.”
Secretary of Homeland Security – Joe Arpaio
Arpaio, recently unemployed after losing his election as Sheriff of Maricopa County, said that he can’t wait to get that wall going. When asked his favorite movie he responded, “That’s easy, Wet Wetback’s Badasss Song.”
Attorney General – Rudy Giuliani
No stranger to the Justice Department, and a long time Trump devotee, Giuliani claimed that, as long as he stays on his proper medication, he could run the Justice Department like a well oiled machine.
Surgeon General – Ben Carson
Carson, a real life surgeon, claimed that he was excited to take on the task of ‘America’s doctor’. He feels that the same logical approach he employed during the primaries, answering questions with painstaking exactitude, should bode well for his success.
Secrtetary of Defense – Hulk Hogan
The Hulkster seems surprised but pleased with his appointment, and looks forward to rolling up his sleeves and getting to work, kicking some Pentagon butt. Can he make America strong again? You betcha.
Secretary of Education – Sarah Palin
This is a move that should surprise no one. Trump felt that the names she gave her children indicates Palin’s imaginative involvement in the betterment of young America. And her ability to clearly communicate her ideas should bode well for her success. Palin, a Trump favorite, was not available for comment.
Secretary of Energy – David Koch
“Clean coal is the secret to an American turn around”, claimed Koch in a recent interview. When asked to define clean coal, Koch spoke about the need for more pipe lines, and expressed the need to put a stop to the antics of “Those pesky Injuns.”
Secretary of the Interior – Jan Brewer
The Interior Department should play a key role in the building of ‘The Wall’, and Brewer, sometimes referred to as “The ugliest woman in the world”, has been on that border for decades, keeping an eye on those Mexican rapists and drug dealers. She knows a thing or two and has her new boss’s complete confidence.
Secretary of Agriculture – Kellyanne Conway
An original cast member of Housewives of the Jersey Shore, and a Trump loyalist, Conway can use her experience at the farm stands of Southern New Jersey, in making America’s farms come to life again. The breadbasket of the world looks like it’s in good hands.
Scretary of Commerce – Bernie Madoff
In a surprise move, and with special release from incarceration for the length of his appointment arranged by Rudy Giuliani, Madoff claimed he was ready and up to the task. Trump replied, ‘There’s nobody like Bernie to make America rich again.”
Secretary of Labor – Katrina Pierson
Pierson, who became famous during the campaign, for taking a complex issue and explaining it with gentle simplicity, seemed shocked at her appointment. Stephen Bannon exclaimed, “The unions won’t know what hit them.”
Secertary of Health and Human Services – Bobby Knight
Knight’s feisty ways should prove helpful in cleaning up a department long known as a provider of benefits to malingerers. Bannon claimed, “Bobby knows how to get things done. Half the people on welfare in this country are heroin addicts. That’s a known fact.” The recent revelations of Knight’s fascination with the testicles of his players, down through the years, was not mentioned in his appointment.
Director of the EPA – Charles Koch
The appointment of the second Koch brother to fill Trump’s cabinet should surprise no one. Koch has long had a keen interest in the environment, and the scientific interdiction with climate change.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – David Duke
Duke’s successful management of fraternal organizations should prove useful in the complex tasks of cleaning up America’s cities. He’s uniquely qualified to deal with racial issues in urban centers that plague America.
Secretary of Transportation – Richard Petty
Both Trump and Bannon are long time Nascar fans, and when it looked like the electoral scale was tipping in Trump’s direction, he told Bannon, “It’s about time we had a Transportation Secretary that knew a thing or two about transportation. Get old Richie on the phone. He’ll make America fast again.”
Postmaster General – Kayleigh McEnany
Long a fan of the privatization of the postal system, Trump told Bannon that he’ll give it one last chance to clean up its act. “Kayleigh will raise some hell over there. Clean the place out. Get rid of those fucking mailmen. Bunch of free loaders. And besides, did you ever get a look at her legs?”
Director of the Veteran’s Administration – Curt Schilling
Schilling’s athletic prowess was in the forefront in Trump’s decision to offer him the job. “He’s an even tempered guy, very much like myself. He’s the guy to clean up the mess at the VA.”
Ambassador to the United Nations – A.J. Delgado
A Republican Latina, Delgado impressed many during her tenure as a Trump surrogate, making countless appearances on CNN during the campaign, and winning the respect of broadcast journalists with her ability to explain Trump’s message with utmost clarity.
CIA Director – Donald Trump Jr.
“You got to keep a job like this in the family”, Trump recently explained to Bannon. “You never know when might need to put Langley to good use. Some private business. Hell, Nixon used the shit out of them. With my kid in charge, we’ve got them by the balls.”
National Security Advisor – Ted Nugent
Rock star and fire arms aficionado, Ted Nugent had been a long time Trump supporter, and fully supports the ‘Bomb the shit out of them’ approach to National security.
For the next four years America will be in the hands of the individuals listed above. Trump has made his choices, and history will be the judge of their success or failure.
© 2016 Shaun Costello